On world mental health day – start to really listen to your teenager

Like most secondary school pupils in Kenya, I spend the largest chunk of my teenage years in a boarding school. I think you are impacted more by your peers when you are in boarding school – where there is no escape.

Teenagers are at a transition point and every little put down weighs heavily on them. I remember comments like …..

‘You would look so pretty if you lost some weight’

‘You would look nice with a smaller nose’

….words spoken without much thought but keep going round and round in the head.

I remember the tears of a roommate described as having ‘rabbit teeth’.

She didn’t really ….. it was a case of pure unadulterated jealousy. She cried so bitterly that I still remember.

I remember another girl who had terrible acne but had an older sister who was stunning. She was rarely with her sister and I can imagine she was familiar with the ‘are you really so and so sister?’ She always walked with her shoulders bent, avoiding eye contact.

There were plenty of talent shows and concerts in my school. Being on stage exposed one to ridicule – those were the days of school magazines – and that is where character shredding happened. I don’t know whether those school magazines still exist……but those were the 80’s shenanigans

My generation was lucky – there was no internet – no facebook, snap chat, instagram etc.

Imagine if the comment about ‘rabbit teeth’ got 500 likes and was shared across schools?

Cyberbullying is a terrible form of bullying and it can spiral out of control …..

Research on impact of cyber bullying in children and young people

Teenagers who bully or are bullied are all really fighting the same feelings of insecurity and fear of the future.

Teenagers are innocent, confused, sweet and cruel.

Teenagers can act all brave and strong. They don’t want to listen to their parents – especially since we are prone to lecturing (I stand accused) of how well behaved we were (I would never talk to my mother like that!). Yet they are so vulnerable….

We see their youth and we expect them to be aware of the opportunities in front of them. We want them to grab every chance they get and run with it.

Some parents on the other hand are too busy making ends meet. Some believe their role in life it to make sure their kids get a good education. When the kids are home for holidays, work and business continues as usual and the time to listen to the teenagers is lost. Parents become strangers to their own children.

At the end of this month, schools in Kenya will close to re-open in January. Poorer parents on casual jobs are hard hit as they have no option but to leave their children unsupervised. It is a real headache for those with no option. But there are those who can afford to get home early and spend weekends with their children – who will still dash off to one minor excursion of the other that keeps them away from their children.

Yet….

Our cumulative life experiences determine our mental state. Starting with the genes we inherit from our parents, the safety we felt as babies and as teenagers – all contribute to our mental state in adulthood.

They determine our ability to cope.

The sheltered existence of childhood where our parents determine how we feel is replaced with that where how our peers perceive us matters more than what our parents say to us.

It is not easy being a teenager.

No matter how petty a complaint is – listen to the teenagers in your life.

Not to listen for cues for intervention – interrupting them and telling them what they should do – but to really listen.

To let them just talk and talk – and then say ‘I hear you’ and not jump to offer advice.

I am preaching to myself here to – because I am ever eager to give my years of experience – to pass on something – to try and stop them making the mistakes I did.

But teenagers just wish we could listen to them. Actually hear what they are telling us.

If an issue is disturbing them, then it is a big issue – listen.